Jan 3, 2011

There is a POWERFUL force that can drive any human to do crazy destructive things. That force is emptiness. Emptiness that comes from neglect. disconnection, the absence of love, attention, caring, The void of light, warmth and love is like death itself. It is anti-life. It is cold. It is pain. And that void is created in children by the emotional or physical absence or neglect of a parent. It is created by avoidance, distraction, withdrawal, abandonment, rejection. And the void it creates is a devastating vacuum that seeks to fill itself with a ferocity. And until it is filled, it will drive you your entire life in every way imaginable to avoid it’s devastation, and to fill it’s emptiness. From drugs and alcohol to food, sex, power, control, violence, co-dependency, work-a-holism, over achieving, religious fanaticism, and every kind of addiction from video games to excessive working out or gambling and more.

This year I finally touched, tasted and felt the depths of my own devastating emptiness. I have experienced a lot of physical violence in my life, but NOTHING as devastating as the EMPTINESS. And now I know what it is. I know how destructive it is. And I know what HELL is. And at least at this moment in time, I feel the lessening of my judgment towards those who try to fill this void in ways that hurt and damage others. And I feel a deep gratitude for life . . . for giving me EXACTLY what I needed to face this void. LOVE. First to have, then to lose. The love filled a void I didn’t know I had. And then the love was gone and I was faced with my own void. What a gift. To love someone so much that I would be faced with my deepest self. My own emptiness that I have been trying to avoid and fill my whole life with all kinds of things. I NEVER would have faced this on my own. I NEVER would have walked into that hell if it wasn’t for the fire of love and passion.

This has been the most painful and exhausting year of my life, because I felt every second of the emptiness and the pain, like I was 2 years old again. The first second felt like it would kill me. But then . . . a year later and millions of more seconds of the same pain . . . and I am still alive. I have found people to love and support me through this. I have let down my pride and reached out for help. I have cried like a 2 year old 3 days a week for an entire year, and sometimes in front of more people than my pride would EVER allow. But I couldn’t stop it this time, because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to carry these walls around any more. Walls that have kept love out. And I have been comforted. A great man once said ‘you must become like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven’ . . . I know that well now. Because in that openness and humbleness there is room for love and light to come in. And it is in that deep sensitivity to life that we experience ecstasy and joy. He also said ‘The kingdom of heaven is within you.’

I know now that on the completion of healing this void, I will no longer to driven by its shadow. I will be free. I thank EVERYONE whose shoulder I cried on, who listened to me, who held me, who gave me love when I wanted to die. And I thank the one who showed me myself. It HAD to be that way. You were a blessing in the biggest way in my life. I will always love you for that.

And next time any of you think that there is something MORE VALUABLE to ANYONE in your life than your honest genuine presence and connection, or if you think that your belief system not matching your children’s is good reason to deny them your love . . . think again . . .